Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it because I queefed?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize