not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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