your thong is hanging out like whoa
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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