Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
