Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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