We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
