I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
