I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
