it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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