was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
