Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
