Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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