my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
