I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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