I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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