a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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