One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
