omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
