Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
