a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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