oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
