You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
