K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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