wanna go halves on a baby?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
