Pants 0. Shit 1.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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