I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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