Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
