i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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