A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
