I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
