I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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