Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
