So drunk its hurt
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize