In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
