I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
