Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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