Define "chronic" masturbator.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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