You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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