They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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