So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
