i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
