I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
