Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
