How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
