it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
