I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
