walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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