I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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