I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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