Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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