I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We are all done wearing pants today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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