She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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