Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
