I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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